A brief compilation of amusing things people have learned the hard way. As they say on Television, don’t try these at home.
Things I learned in the Army.
· I am not to teach German children to sing “Eskimo Nell.”
· I am not to drink food coloring, before a urinalysis.
· The following items do not exist Blinker Fluid, winter tire air, and chemlight batteries.
· Radar beams, flight line and grid squares exist, but I’m not to task new soldiers with their retrieval.
· The tuna and noodles MRE is not authorized for use as a personal lubricant.
Things I learned from my children.
· TO HELL WITH LEGOS
· A ceiling fan can hit barbie a long way.
· Window glass won’t stop ballistic barbies.
· When toilet flushes and junior says "Uh-oh," it's too late.
· Marbles in the gas tank make a LOT of noise.
· Check the oven before you turn it on SERIOUSLY.
Things I learned from my Parents.
· Religion: You better pray that comes out.
· Logic: Because I said so.
· Stamina: If the broccoli doesn’t taste good now you can sit there until it does.
· Humor: If the mower cuts off your toes, don't run to me.
· Thrift: A teenager’s wardrobe can be fully stocked at bag sales at the local thrift store.
· Modesty: Because of thrift I dress like a blind hobo.
Things I learned shopping.
· I am not to randomly put items in people’s carts.
· I am not to alter the direction of the escalators.
· I am not to lay a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
· I am not to enter a fitting room and yell for toilet paper.
· I am not to switch the men’s and women’s signs on the restroom.
Things I learned at Disneyland.
· Pocahontas says “going native” doesn’t mean what I think.
· I’m not allowed to ask Minnie Mouse to gargle my balls. (Curiously this is $10 less at Disneyland than in Tijuana.)
· Eeyore is neither getting nailed in the ass nor trying to get some tail.
· “Buzz and Woody” Belong to Andy, not his mother.
· Frontier land doesn’t have a brothel, and I should shut up about it.
Things I learned from my wife.
- If the thought of anything makes me giggle, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
· That it is better to seek forgiveness than permission no longer applies to me.
· Marriage is about compromise. I didn’t want a dog, and she did, so we compromised. Please meet my new dog, Max.
· The spoons won't get clean if they are spooning each other.
· If my wife ever hired a detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons she gave me.