What I've learned

A brief compilation of amusing things people have learned the hard way. As they say on Television, don’t try these at home.

Things I learned in the Army.
·       I am not to teach German children to sing “Eskimo Nell.”
·       I am not to drink food coloring, before a urinalysis.
·       The following items do not exist Blinker Fluid, winter tire air, and chemlight batteries.
·       Radar beams, flight line and grid squares exist, but I’m not to task new soldiers with their retrieval.
·       The tuna and noodles MRE is not authorized for use as a personal lubricant.

Things I learned from my children.
·       A ceiling fan can hit barbie a long way.
·       Window glass won’t stop ballistic barbies.
·       When toilet flushes and junior says "Uh-oh," it's too late.
·       Marbles in the gas tank make a LOT of noise.
·       Check the oven before you turn it on SERIOUSLY.

Things I learned from my Parents.
·       Religion: You better pray that comes out.
·       Logic: Because I said so.
·       Stamina: If the broccoli doesn’t taste good now you can sit there until it does.
·       Humor: If the mower cuts off your toes, don't run to me.
·       Thrift: A teenager’s wardrobe can be fully stocked at bag sales at the local thrift store.  
·       Modesty: Because of thrift I dress like a blind hobo.

Things I learned shopping.
·       I am not to randomly put items in people’s carts.
·       I am not to alter the direction of the escalators.
·       I am not to lay a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
·       I am not to enter a fitting room and yell for toilet paper.
·       I am not to switch the men’s and women’s signs on the restroom.

Things I learned at Disneyland.
·       Pocahontas says “going native” doesn’t mean what I think.
·       I’m not allowed to ask Minnie Mouse to gargle my balls.       (Curiously this is $10 less at Disneyland than in Tijuana.)
·       Eeyore is neither getting nailed in the ass nor trying to get some tail.
·       “Buzz and Woody” Belong to Andy, not his mother.
·       Frontier land doesn’t have a brothel, and I should shut up about it.

Things I learned from my wife.

  • If the thought of anything makes me giggle, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
·       That it is better to seek forgiveness than permission no longer applies to me.
·       Marriage is about compromise.  I didn’t want a dog, and she did, so we compromised.  Please meet my new dog, Max.
·       The spoons won't get clean if they are spooning each other.
·       If my wife ever hired a detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons she gave me.